I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
time machine? you mean a clock?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.