Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

👀

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…