Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Happy Caturday!