Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.

Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.

Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”