Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.

I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.