Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.