I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now