I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

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fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt


Me: Wow, 5k followers
Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said?
Me: Ya
Wife: Then aren’t they really MY followers?
Me: *drinks heavily


Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys


[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.


Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”


Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”


If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.