Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Thursday
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.