@ItIsMsJillyBean

I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

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@justokdane

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Wow, 5k followers
Wife: Is your top tweet still something I said?
Me: Ya
Wife: Then aren’t they really MY followers?
Me: *drinks heavily

@Audenary

Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys

@DurtMcHurtt

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

@hipchkk

Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

@Jarhead44

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.