i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

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[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?



I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.


In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.


word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom


Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands


person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen


Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*


When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment


If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.


“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna