i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
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but that was my emotional support daylight
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim