I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Basically, any European coat of arms:
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe