Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

My work here is don’t.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.