Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.