Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

I love art.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?