I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Growing up was a huge mistake
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.