I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
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Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already