Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

Give a baker flours on your first date.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

british sex workers really pound for pound

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*