I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.