Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

Sure. Why not?

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what