I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground