Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.

(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.