I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it