I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.