Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

“I’m helping” 😅

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

A Match(.com), but for socks.

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

That’s not how days work.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick