Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Drive like no one is watching.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

SF is the wild wild west man

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

security at the airport getting more straightforward

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.