I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Good morning
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.