Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

ME: What are you watching?

WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.

ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.

HER: Get out.

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

Burglar: *breaks into my house*

Wife: Quick honey, grab something!

Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you

Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.