I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
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there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”