I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Proctologist = Analyst
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.