I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner