I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”