Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

I’m awake but I object,

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”