I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks