I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
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