Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

We like the way Dwight thinks

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”