I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*