@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

You Might Also Like

@Sir_Strange

– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.

@crushingbort

“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”

@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

@thatUPSdude

Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”

@GingerHotDish

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

@Crunch11b

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@mama_babble

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

@JVarsityCaptain

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude