I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
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[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.