I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

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– Your Honor, I’d like to plead insanity.
– On what grounds?!
– I’m married.
– I’ll allow it.


“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”


My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.


Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.


Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”


*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?


I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.


8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”


You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.


The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude