I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

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The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing


If you count a little kid on another kid’s shoulders under a trench coat as two people, then I have had TWO boyfriends


*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.


*struts past Walmart with Target grocery bags dangling from arms*
“You made a big mistake. Huge!”


I crunched the numbers and this is just incredible. what isn’t he telling us. #Sharknado3


In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.


Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like


If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.


If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.