I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.