Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.

Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.