I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.