I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…