I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
You Might Also Like
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for