Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

I hope they boil the right one.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…