Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.