Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

“Are you just going to sit there all day?”

“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

sin harder.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*