Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.