Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

😾

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together