I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
You Might Also Like
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
based al yankovic
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Risking my life for fun.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job