I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer