Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Become a minion. Get that bread.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)