Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

ME: Got any hobbies?

DATE: I’m a big horse fan

ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

they split up moments later

NASA has no chill

Does it…does it take 3 days

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great