“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[canadians at you, canadianly]
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”