Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

Ghost costume 😂

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.