I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
what’s in a name?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.