Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

COP: I need to see some ID

ME: [hands him ID]

COP: this isn’t yours

ME: you said “some”

COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send