Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3