Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.

It’s partly why I became a bus driver.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.