I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
How high do the levels go?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k