I’m never leaving this app.
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Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people