I’m never leaving this app.
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My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
This a good idea
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My life in a nutshell
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do