I’m never leaving this app.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
my mom making me talk to relatives
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
dating is so overrated. let’s just get married
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken