I’m never leaving this app.
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.