Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer