Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.