Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

I’m about to risk it all

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

there’s music for literally every activity

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?