Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.