me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
You Might Also Like
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind