@_salt_n_lime

I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”

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@MavenofHonor

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

@realHamOnWry

*smudges lipstick*

*smears eyeliner*

*gets mascara on earlobe*

*never tries make-up sex again*

@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@thetigersez

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

@FredTaming

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

@handsock_butts

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

@Try2StopME

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

@lucidchemistry

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house