@_salt_n_lime

I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”

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@ShitJokes

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

@colesprouse

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

@carlyken

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

@sarabellab123

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

@kumailn

Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.

@Douchekevin

Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.

@RocketRankoon

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

@TheMichaelRock

If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.