I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”

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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.


It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.


Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori


My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!


Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.


Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.


I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.


If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.