I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
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Sounds like a bargain
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE