Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!