Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I’m not stressed

I Can’t Tonight…

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill