Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

We need it on priority

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”