I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
IT’S-A ME,
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.