I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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Matt Goss
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably