I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.

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Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.


This is embarrassing.

I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss’s office.

He’s watching me tweet this.

I’m fired.


I’m one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it’s more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.


Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died


btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong


“Welcome to Armageddon
Welcome to Legageddon
Welcome to Quadageddon”

Me: *raises hand* Are you the only trainer available at the gym today?


Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack:
Sad 😐
Happy 😐
Scared 😐
Excited 😐
Surprised 😐
Giving birth ;|


if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.