I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.