I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
me after eating Cheetos
👾👾👾
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”